Why do we always hurt the one we love?

[MrCheap]

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One of the most common (and most frustrating) relationship dynamics that we hear about is couples who feel emotionally wounded by each other on a regular basis. They both love each other, and want to stay together, yet they keep hurting each other through verbal abuse, physical rejection, taking each other for granted, betraying emotional trust, or bringing up the most vulnerable topics from their partner’s past .

Need ko sa inyung mga idea's, opinion and thoughts ngano perme nato pasakitan ang atong hinugugma.....

[yvonne6]

i have the same question too. dili ko k relate kay i am the type of person nga ihatag ang tanan, or sobra pa kung puede para lang ma feel sa akong special someone nga dili lang siya special, i value him and will do everything possible para lang ma happy siya. unfortunately, this type of treatment will teach someone to abuse you, use you and take you for granted. i think a lot of people are bored when they have someone so nice and straight. no contentment daw ang taw. when u r younger (esp), you tend not to know what u want and who you really want to be. bisan naa nay sobra nagmahal nato, we tend to look for something else, basig naa pay labaw ani, only to realize that u had something very precious when its already gone. i really dont hurt people dear to me. if i retaliate, its just to fight for my rights and make sure that people doesnt step on me. sakit ra sad kaau, gihatag na nimo tanan2, daug daugon pa jud ka. kaning issue nga i bring up ang past, normal kaau ni sa mga girls. i think its just hard for us to get convince that same thing will not happen again esp kung kadaghan na nahimo. so, kung masayup ang laki, naay tendency nga mabalik ug ma ungkat nasad ang nahimo nila sa una

[MrCheap]

Mam Yvonne6 ; why they keep on searching for something else if they have already there special someone? dili ba contented? dapat pa ba i discuss ang past? diba naay tao nga dili ganahan og ina ana nga topics specially they don't want to talk about their past relationship/?

[tatajhun]

we don't meant it...

[samantha]

Why do we always hurt the one we love?
i guess its part of the relationship;the only person who will hurt you the most are the people you love.and because the one we love expect too much from us.

[annerhexian]

char mahabang habang inuman..

[Githyanki]

We hurt the one we love for several reasons...

There's an unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma - we all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Unfortunately, we form part of our identities around whatever we experience, be it love, distance, drama, or verbal or physical abuse. As adults, we may feel most alive or most like ourselves when we are feeling the same way we did as children, and so we may do things unconsciously to get our partner to trigger those feelings. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of distance may feel uncomfortable with closeness, and may sabotage it by picking fights or avoiding intimacy. Or a person who grew up in a chaotic, dramatic home may be uncomfortable with harmony and quiet and always seem to trigger chaos or drama in their relationships.

Also, as adults, our fantasy is that we will find a person who will finally give us the love we never got as children. If we can’t get the love from our original parent or caretaker, the next best thing is to get the love from someone who has a very similar personality to the person we originally feel wounded by. We’ll generally feel a lot of attraction, chemistry and intensity in our love with such adult partners, due to the interlocking nature of our emotional baggage.

But what we may not realize though, is that this person that we fall in love has the perfect tools and personality to emotionally re-create our childhood hurts. After the initial infatuation wears off and we are in a deeper, committed relationship, their fears (and ours) often get activated. And when they get afraid, they will strike out in exactly the same way that our parents or caretakers did. The result? We get wounded again. Only now it’s worse, because the very person who we hoped could give us the love we never got, is hurting us. Not because they ‘love us most of all’, but because they are unaware of their own unconscious defenses.

Another is we lack the knowledge and skills of how to communicate our feelings constructively - many people may realize how they hurt their partners, and feel like they want to change that behavior, but simply not know how to change, or how to communicate what they are feeling in a constructive manner. Our culture does very little to teach us how to relate to our own feelings, and how to communicate those feelings to others in a safe, healthy way. Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer expressing anger or control when they are really scared.

So what can we do to stop hurting the one we love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to learn how to make it safe for our partners to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where we genuinely listen and validate our partners’ experience. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. We need to respect the fact that in an intimate committed relationship, we have access to the most private and vulnerable aspects of each other’s lives. We need to treat that as a sacred privilege that we relate to with the utmost respect, not as an entitlement to trample upon for our own ego gratification.

We are all on a journey of awakening, and intimate relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our partners’ wounds as well, because we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring to our lives.

[yvonne6]

Mam Yvonne6 ; why they keep on searching for something else if they have already there special someone? dili ba contented? dapat pa ba i discuss ang past? diba naay tao nga dili ganahan og ina ana nga topics specially they don't want to talk about their past relationship/?

because a lot of people have wicked ways of being challenged and excitement. naa man gani ng thinking nga, akong tanawon ug ipaglaban pa jud ko niya. naay mga taw nga simply players lang gyud and could not behave in a relationship. naay uban, walay emotional maturity. lisud jud sabton ang attitude sa taw towards something. naa gani uban, ilang partner, kalma lang kaau, pasagdan silag himo sa ilang gusto but then, mo reklamo nga walay paki ang partner, basig dili sila love kay murag wala man ga selos. while sige kag check up, sige kag kuyog sa imong partner, you want to be always with that person, mo reklamo sad ang usa nga na suffocate na sila ug mangayo ug some space. dah, ambot, makalibog lagi ang mga taw ug unsa ilang gusto oi. ako, im at the stage of my life nga kahibalo jud ko ug unsa akong gusto, even before pa